事过境迁又如何

真难以置信…事隔多年以后我还会被恶梦惊醒。好像我做过的坏事一样，一遍一遍不停地被刺通并提醒着 。

梦与现实的差距有多少？我不晓得 。可是的确真实得可怕…午夜梦迴的时侯，轻抚自己心脏的位置，是痛的；夜半惊醒的时候，轻触自己的眼角，是湿的。

够真实吗？每隔一段时间这恶梦就会以不同的片段出现在睡梦里，让你血淋淋地记取当时那种心碎无助的感受。

环顾黑压压的四周，映入眼帘的只有黑暗，就好像在梦里的自己，只有无边境的痛楚和黑暗。不管别人如何安慰自己，那令人窒息的无助感却是越发加倍深刻………

尽管那年的我们拥有美丽的夏天，珍贵的回忆，但与缠身的恶梦相较起来，微不足道。

让我重活一次，再做一次选择，我宁愿自己与你只是单纯地做永远的好朋友。

或者，从来没有遇见你；从来都不懂心痛的感觉为何，甚至我希望永远再也不会遇见与你相仿的男子。

那么不管是面对梦里的我或是镜中的自己，我都能笑得由衷灿烂。

至理名言

我頂你的肺！
今天是公共假期啊~~~~~~~~~~~~~我真的是怨念級深啊~~~~~~
爲什麽我那麽悲慘，公共假期還得要工作！！！

原先心情是還可以的，不至於悲慘至此。
都怪我媽媽昨晚的一通電話，我杯具了 囧

媽說：今晚住在教會嗎？不是有年終聚會？
我：哪有這囘事？我明天還需要做工啊。
媽：爲什麽這麽慘啊？全世界在放假你還要做工？！
我：..................................

我說啊我說。
就算是雙份糧計算我也寧願捨棄不要，我只想要找一天可以睡到自然醒，睡到太陽曬屁股。
我何苦自虐啊我。
我幹嘛自討苦吃啊我。
就是賤。

錢財果然是萬惡之源啊。能使鬼推磨。
至理名言。
大贏。

True Indeed!!

I have never thought to teach. I knew it is hard and tiring because friends and family around me experienced the exact same thing. 

Also, kids! Urrrggghhh. How I hate them! Yes I hate them!

I can escape from teaching in formal school cuz it is my choice, I can choose. But I cannot say no when the committee in church asked us to teach religious education to the kids. 

At first I thought it would be quite easy. Just get them to do some interesting activities, telling bible stories etc. 

Please slap me cos I am dead wrong!  Teaching in school might be hard but teaching RE could kill! I am only dealing with 3 kids and I am already half-dead. 

The naughtiest boy in the class aged 9 has totally getting on my nerves last weekend! We, RE teachers refer him as "like a boss" because of his "I-am-not-satisfy-with-everything-you-do" face. And oh ya! To add impressive effect to the face, his is always making "hmph" sound when he talks. 

Tell me! How can you like this kid??!! How can you not hate him?!! Please forgive me oh Lord. I cannot bear this anymore. I know we have been told to love ALL kids and accept who they are. They are rude and naughty because they have no truth inside them. But I did pray!! I guess I just did not put enough effort in my prayer to make them listen and concentrate in class. but to always talk back to me.

Coming back to last weekend. The "like a boss" has been very noisy from the start. I told him to stop making noise and lowering his voice. As usual, he was giving me the face and hmph sound. Saying: I like ah? Cannot meh? I like to talk mah. This mouth is mine.=.= Fine! 

At last he broke something. I scold him and said I will have him grounded from 10 minutes. I let another boy out and asked him to wait for his sister. He was being hysteric and angry at me. "Wait until next week! I will bring 30 million to ask someone to kidnap you! You wait! Hmph hmph!"......... I stood in front of the door to not let him out. "If I have a hammer now I will smack your head and get out of here! You think I can't?"............. Speechless.

I have tried my best. I said to myself I won't be teaching again. Not to kids! It's enough.

Unless, the parents give me total freedom, which I don't have to always think of their feeling and dignity if I have to punish their children.

這樣的感覺

夜已經很深很深了。再過一個小時就是凌晨三點鐘。

心情很是複雜。不來部落格寫一寫，我恐怕是睡不著了。

自從高三畢業之後，我就偶爾會想，以前的同學和大學朋友，哪一些會先步入婚姻，展開他們人生的另一頁？

那時候的我，面對著情況會怎樣回應呢？會是以怎樣的心情去接納呢？我的朋友的伴侶，和我有關係嗎？以後我們相約出來喝茶的時候，他的伴侶會一起來嗎？我們可以相處嗎？畢竟男女朋友和先生太太確實是差異太大啊。

然後，發現自己想得太多。伴侶是人家的。我憑什麽管那麼寬？就算是跟我相處不來又怎樣？跟他過下半輩子的也不是我。

前幾個月看到喵喵結婚登記的照片，給予祝福的心很滿很滿。我很高興她找到了歸屬。畢竟離離合合幾次，他們還是共結連理。可能他們真的是對方的命中註定也說不定。

之後喵喵告訴我說，12月辦喜酒咯！大開心。期待的心情真的是滿得灑出來了。喵喵我愛你。希望你一切順利，快樂幸福！

再然後，今晚去了逛廣場。途中接了一通電話。另一頭的他說：朋友陳某要結婚了。三個月后！我頓時傻眼。這麼突然，驚嚇多過於驚喜。而且不知為何心裡頭揪了一角。

我很喜歡陳某。作為一個小我三個月，還和我同姓的男生，我真心喜歡他。從我15歲那年轉學，第一次看見他，我就覺得：這個男生真耐看！越看越好看。可能基於他不甘寂寞的個性，戀情是一段又一段，偶爾有中斷，但從不間斷。

一直到一年前？還是兩年前？我也記不清楚了。陳某的女朋友我眼看照片就喜歡。怎麼看怎麼有夫妻相。只可惜好景不長，縱然是好的緣分，不是你的不能強求，陳某失戀了。而且，是爲了快刀斬亂麻嗎？不出幾個月陳某竟然搭上了以前中學的學妹，一個我對她很有保留的學妹。那時候的感覺，只有錯愕吧。

又然後，現在陳某說要跟這個學妹結婚了。更加錯愕。

好吧，如果他們是真心喜歡對方的，那又何妨？難道我還會吝嗇我的祝福嗎？

只愿你好，一切都安好。一人生活的時候很好，兩個人的生活要更加好。

给你的话

其实不高兴就说出来好了，为什么还要拐那么大个弯来表明自己的立场？

何xk弟兄，不是我要说你什么。前一阵子你确实是改变了一些，但是现在反而变本加厉？太奇怪了。

你面子书上的状态，是你写的还是你女朋友写的？或者是你帮你女朋友写的？我超级好奇。没有预先通知你说我们要去超级市场买东西是我们不对，好啦我承认。但是你也没有预先告诉我们说你要送你女朋友去火车站啊。

还有那个状态怎么写得那么不干脆。写英文、华语、客家、马来文 blablabla 能让大家明白就好。为什么非得要搞得那么复杂，还要人家去花心思去解读？如果我们别人都看不懂的话，那不是白费心机了吗？多无谓啊。

话说回来，如果不是因为我们要去超市，你是没有打算告诉我们你要送她去火车站的事情对吗？那这样算不算是滥用教会公物？你自己觉得呢？

不是我们不让你抓着车钥匙。你有没有检讨自己最近几次驾驶的记录？其实大家都很胆小，我们都怕死。你不怕吗？我老实没信心能在死后上天堂呢。

最后，劝勉你不要常常用自己的角度去思考。多站在别人的位置想想，有助于身心成长。心胸要宽大一些，才不会郁郁寡欢。情绪管理和面部表情也要学习控制得宜。最重要的，别只是生活在你和她的世界里。

可能跨越了这么些绊脚石障碍，你在灵性上可以更上一层楼也说不定。

Why is it so

I missed a lot of things.
I miss a lot of people.
But I am weak.
I am not capable of doing anything great.
Forgive me.
I said a lot, like, I miss you. Hugs. xoxo. Keep in touch. Keep you in heart.
I meant it. But do they believe?

I keep on remembering things these days.
Frustration.
They say it is not good for your health if you stay very late at night. So I tried to sleep earlier.
I prepare to go onto bed at 10. Blink. Blink. My mind is still working.
I read some books. Finally.
and then "BANG". This shitty roommate of mine went to toilet.
Again "BANG". She went outside to wash something.
Please! For whoever's sake, can't you be more gentle??!!
Great. Now I can't fall back to my sleep anymore.
Insomnia.

What time is it now? I looked for my phone.
What the.....
It has only been 3 hours since I fell sleep.

Why is it so bright out there? In my room?
I want it to be dark. Very dark.
That kind of darkness which I can't even see my own fingers.
Like I am blind.
Why is it so loud? I heard the noise of the washing machine.
Wash. Rinse. Spin.
Is anyone washing clothes in the middle of night?
I want it to be quite. Silence.
Like I am deaf. Not even the sound of the fan spinning.

Am I being psychotic.
I heard the noise of washing machine again.

就你對

你不懂，所以不要出聲。Shhhhhh

Diam-diam lah

無時無刻在那裡大條大條的道理，你就覺得你這麼會思考？你覺得就你人生歷練很豐富？

我拜託你。除了渺小的愛情之外，多關心你家人，多關心時事動態。

我不想跟你一般見識，所以從來不去留言。以你的個性，絕對是說不過人家決不罷休。

你贏。你贏完。可以了吧？

唉。Diam-diam lah

Po 狀態也要適可而止吧。